Always Eavesdropping

Two drunks on Ashland, 7:30 p.m.

2011-06-14T18:46:00.000-07:00

(maybe they were high on something? Anyway, they were arguing, presumably, about a shopping cart filled with empty bottles and cans. Tonight is garbage night.)

Man: Nooo. NO! It's MINE!

Woman: It is not yours. That's what you get. I'm taking it.

Man: No! NOOOO NO NO NO NOOO! Fucking bitch (he shoves her -- open palm to her chest; she stumbles backward).

Woman: You lied to me. Go ahead, I'll call the fucking police. (she shoves him back. The shopping cart rattles). That's what you get.

Dad, Greek restaurant, Elmwood Avenue

2011-06-14T11:08:00.001-07:00

(photo from compujeramey's Flickr)

Dad: Uncle Jerry's in town for the wedding already. He got in and he's probably at Gene's funeral this morning. I didn't go. I went to the wake, I was an hour in line.

Me: How old was he?

Dad: He was 85. Aunt Carolyn called and told me it was all around the neighborhood that Gene had died. She said I just knew you'd want to know ...

Me: Was that the bar that had the fire?

Dad: No. That was Kennedy's. Kennedy's was down an old dirt road off Catherine Street. We called it Burma Road. It was like a secret road. The original Kennedy's was down there. Across the street was this place owned by Mrs. Tutuska. She served Hungarian food. We just called it Ma Tut's.

Me: Was that a bar, too? Was it a restaurant?

Dad: It was a bar with a back room. So one of the first sheriffs of Erie County that I remember, B. John Tutuska. His mother was Ma Tut. She was in her eighties and she tended bar. She closed at 9 p.m. She never asked for I.D. We would go in their after our baseball games and have a drink. It was where you went to have your first beer. We all thought, who's gonna bust Ma Tut, when her son is the sheriff?

Me: Gene McCarthy's...

Dad: There was no fire at Gene McCarthy's. Gene sold it about five years ago. And, ironically, the guy who bought it hits from the other side of the plate. And I guess he's pretty open about it, too.

Me: No shit?

Dad: Yeah. He's got a foreign name too.

Me: How did that go over with the regulars?

Dad: I think it's fine. But things are changing there. I guess John McCormick was telling me, you were there, that they have a Buffalo beer tasting club, and McCarthy's is on the rotation for beer tastings. That's different for McCarthy's (laughs).

Your uncle Jerry and his buddies actually had a coffee club that met at McCarthy's every morning for coffee. They'd come in every morning and shoot the shit and Gene would open for them and have coffee with them. Uncle Jerry, Billy Black, Tony Corso, some other guys. They're all older than me. Anyway, there's this kid, he's not a kid but he's slow, this kid who works there and mops up, we'd call him a "jack," and he's been there for years, he was mopping up not too long ago after the new guy took over. Uncle Jerry was the first one there and banged on the door and said, "Let me in." And this guy just shakes his head "no." And keeps mopping. So Uncle Jerry bangs on the door and says, "Hey! Let me in!" And he says no. So finally Uncle Jerry says, "Open the goddam door!" and the kid comes to the door and says, "Sorry, Jerry. But he said I can't let anyone in when he's not here. I don't wanna get fired." So Uncle Jerry goes in and says, "Don't worry, I'll talk to him and tell him I made you do it."

So Gerhard shows up. That's his name, Gerhard. He's into soccer, too I guess. There's soccer stuff all over the bar now. The other boys get there and Gerhard is there and he says, "Sorry, it's not you guys, but I wanted to make an impression on him not to just let anyone in when we were closed." So Gene isn't showing up to join them for coffee because he was enjoying his retirement, and they didn't feel kicked out exactly, they just weren't overly accommodated. They had to start going somehwere else for coffee. And Tony's dead. That's McCarthy's, in the Old First Ward.

Guy in Pepsi Uniform, Student Union

2011-04-29T13:08:00.000-07:00

(image from arcticpenguin's photostream)

He's standing in a stairway, leaning against a metal door jamb, with a finger in his ear. It's loud in the student union. Second-last day of classes. There's some kind of food-related festival going on.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. What? What? You ordered how many? I was gonna say. 91? Wow. That's a lot even for an end-cap. That's not even, like, you hit a wrong button? Really?

Mike,barber, about 35

2011-04-13T13:03:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I served. Twelve years. But it was the last three that fucked me up. Fucked me up. (He emphasizes his words by digging the clippers harder against my head). Personnel, mostly. It was great. Then I left and went into Special Forces. (Me: Isn't that a promotion?) Yeah. Yeah it is. We have all kinds of training. Quantico. Fort Bragg. (Me: None of my business, but did you go overseas?) Yeah. Oh, yeah. No tours, though. Missions. We did missions. We did in, out. That shit they needed .Then out. Mosul. That's where I fucked up my wrist. Fucked up my ribs. Saw some shit. Got P-T-S-D or whatever. Fucking V-A. You sure want your hair this short? I got meds. But fuck the V-A. I've got my wife's health insurance. I had a good career. This is OK. But I don't want to be cuttin' hair.

Bank, Wednesday, 3 p.m.

2010-07-08T07:37:00.001-07:00

Bank teller, 30-ish woman (we may have gone to high school together...) to coworker:

There she is. I swear if she gives me a Jesus pamphlet today I am going to lose it.

Office Building Lobby, afternoon

2010-06-21T12:08:00.000-07:00

Security guard, to me: He's a head taller than the other kids. Five years old.

Me: Wow, that's...

Guard: He's coordinated and he's got power. When he was four, he picked up a plastic bat. And there was a swimming pool form here to that corner, and a fence, and he just...WHAM. Picked up the ball and whacked it over the fence and into that pool. Four. Four years old.

Me: That reminds me of...

Security guard: He's not a speed guy. He's power. I think he's gonna play baseball or hockey. He needs speed. His mother's got him on a diet and he's lost that belly. But you know, for five, he's pretty good. Kid looks like Babe Ruth. Maybe he'll be like Babe Ruth.
Me: Hope so. That would be great.

Guard: That would be great.

(photo from the Flickr stream of JessyeAnne. Thanks.)

The Office, Tuesday, 12:15 p.m.

2010-06-15T09:28:00.001-07:00

Boss, to me: It's a really cool product. My dad's doctor recommended it. "We did an upper GI and a lower GI, but the problem is this gap in the middle and we can't see it. You need the (name of medical product). Only problem was, insurance wasn't paying for it. My dad said, "Screw this. Just let me die. I want to die."

Me: (chuckle). That's got to be tough to hear. How's your dad now?

Boss: He's dead. Yeah, when they give up...He died very shortly after that happened.

(photo from the Flickr stream of Greenflames09. Thanks)

Niagara Falls, the Canadian side

2010-06-13T08:29:00.001-07:00

Indian couple (man and woman, 20s)...leaning against the glass on the second floor of an observation tower, in unison:

Awwww, freak out!

Le Freak, c'est chic.

Freak out!

Le freak, c'est chic.

Awwwww, freak out!

(photo from the Flickr stream of Randy OHC. Thanks.)

Mom

2010-06-13T08:06:00.000-07:00

There are only three kinds of trees, really: Maple, oak, and a few birch. And coniferous. Right, Dan?

Allentown Art Festival, 10 a.m.

2010-06-13T07:47:00.000-07:00

"Cousin," in his early 60s (or looks it), beard, Wild Ones-style motorcycle hat. Leather back-brace belt. He's sitting near his chainsaw art, all animal figures. He's talking to everyone in ear shot generally, but in particular to two girls, early 20s, who are setting up a table for a wildlife rehabilitation group. The girls have two live owls with them, a great horned owl and a blind-in-one-eye screech owl.

I'm living by the Buffalo River now. Woke up one morning, and there was in my tree ... I was on my couch. And there was, in my tree a ghost hawk. Four-to-one, the crows were botherin' him. Four to one. And then, there he was: whoomph (he imitates wings spreading). So dynamic.

***

Is ... Is he doing his field work in Madagascar? I did my field work through Buffalo State College 30 years ago and I never stopped. ... I studied post-traummatic stress. And triangles.

***

My car broke down last week. My tranny went. Then I rolled my canoe. Then, the devil got me, with those triangles.

(photo from Drew's Flickr stream)

Birthday party

2010-06-05T07:16:00.000-07:00

We're sitting in the back yard eating hors d'oeuvres, noting that nearly everyone present will have a birthday in the next four months.

Judy (friend's grandmother): I'm August 14. That's V-J Day.

Me: I didn't know that...

Judy: I remember we were upstairs listening to the radio. The president came on and said the war was over. They set fires on Main Street.

Me: On Main Street in Buffalo? Like campfires?

Judy: In Snyder. Bonfires. Wood, tires. The Higgins family set fires.

Me: Umm...Did you say "Higgins?"

Judy: Yes, I remember it was the Higginses.

Me: Did you know I'm a Higgins? That's my name.

Judy: Really??? Joe Higgins. Lois...

Me: No.

Judy: Alright. It was different Higginses then.

(photo from Dominic's Pics on Flickr)

Doctor's office exam room

2010-06-02T07:47:00.000-07:00

Doctor: You have some "cobble-stoning." I think it's allergies, not ... (there's a knock at the door). Excuse me. (He cracks open the door, a hand appears with a Post-It note attached. I cant' read what it says). Would you excuse me for a minute? I'm really sorry.

Me: Sure, go ahead.

Doctor (in the hallway, voice muffled through closed door): Uh-huh. Yeah. I think that's what the reading says. No ... no. It's going to say that. I wanted you to know. Yeah. Uh-huh.

(rest of conversation inaudible).

Nurse: Doctor? I wanted you to...

Doctor: Hold on (long pause).

Nurse: I wanted you to know that D____ is coming tomorrow at 11:30. Type II diabetes and there's a change in medication that she wants you to be aware of. I know you're not on til noon, but I wanted you to know she'll be here at 11:30.

Doctor: Yeah.

Nurse: Also, there will be deli sandwiches. (Inaudible) is bringing deli sandwiches.

Doctor: Uh-huh.

Nurse: So I wanted you to know.

(photo from Truthout's Flickr)

Tavern at lunchtime

2010-05-24T10:17:00.000-07:00

Jim, publican, to me: If you're arm-pitching, you can't pitch six innings one night and six innings another night. If you're stretch pitching (he adjusts his apron and demonstrates pitching "from the stretch") it's all in the arm. The windup. That's when ... when when when you feel it in the legs. It's all torque. I tell these parents, "Hey, it's your kid, if you say they can pitch then they can pitch." But these kids, they're young. They're not throwing curveballs. I can throw fastballs, I mean, not really fast, actually, but I can pitch moderate, batting-practice fastballs for five hours straight.

First Communion Party, Buffet Line

2010-05-24T07:28:00.000-07:00

I'm at a party celebrating the First Comm-
union of four (maybe five?) kids, who are all related to each other, and one is related to me. I know about 10 percent of the 150 people present. We're in a banquet hall where there are other parties going on in other rooms separated by moveable walls -- baby showers and another First Communion, I think. At my party, most of the men are wearing the Casual Golfer uniform (myself included): Khaki pants (the older the man, the more pleats in his pants, like tree rings) and a three-button, short-sleeved shirt (again, gray hair an indicator of whether the shirt will be tucked in).

So, buffet line. I'm last in line, until a guy with thick, salt-and-pepper hair parted in the middle (also, salt-and-pepper mustache) approaches. He's wearing a light brown suit with matching light brown shirt, white pocket square, and white snakeskin boots. He cuts in front of me so casually that I didn't notice until he struck up a conversation with a toddler, being held by his father (baby's father was in uniform, 2 pleats, prob. early 40s). Toddler, blue and white pinstriped something-or-other, with a bib.

Snakeskin Boot Guy: Hey. Heyyyy. Yeah, are you lookin' at me? What are you gonna eat? Maybe some italian sausage? Nah, they probably don't have italian sausage. Maybe the turkey? Yeah?

Toddler: ...

Toddler's Dad: Yeah. He's my moose. The other one's my bird.

Toddler: ...

Snakeskin boot guy: You're not talkin, huh? Only Dad. Only papa. Yep. Hi! Yeah...

Toddler's Dad: Yep. He's tough. He's a moose. He takes food right out of his brother's hand. When the other one has an obstacle, he'll think about how to avoid it or go around it. This one, he'll go right through. A bedroom door. Like if a door is closed and dad is on the other side, this one will go right through. Yeah.

Snakeskin: Tough guy, huh?

Toddler's Dad: Yeah, he's a three-goose-egg at one time kid. He's tough though. He don't cry much.

Another guy in the buffet line (two pleats, late 30s): That's good. That'll be good for him when he's in sports.

Spot Coffee, Buffalo, NY 9:30 a.m Sunday

2010-05-23T07:05:00.001-07:00

Two girls in front of me in line. Both around 10 years old. Girl #1 is black, Girl #2 is white.

Girl #1: I have $20 (she flattens a $20 bill and slides it around on the surface of the glass display case, over the chocolate-covered croissants.) Actually, I have $40. And seven credit cards. My father says credit cards (inaudible).

Girl #2: When you have credit cards, you don't need cash. Not right that day.

(enter Girl #3, who, like Girl #2, is white with fine, blond hair and seems like she could be a little sister. She runs up to Girl #1 and touches her shoulder in a way that looked affectionate to me.)

Girl #3: You know what my favorite color is? Black.

(Girl #3 runs away).

Girl #2, whispering, with the back of her hand covering her mouth: That was creepy.

(photo from Alex-S's Flickr)

Uncommon Grounds, 10 a.m., Saturday

2009-07-12T14:17:00.001-07:00

Stocky man, white, longish, unruly, curly hair. Black, button-down short-sleeve shirt. Turned in his chair so his back is facing the wall, his harms spread out and rotaing his hands on his wrists as he speaks, to a man crowded in next to him: Then you spread out to the edges of the universe and then you feel the energy...

Washington Park Pond, southwestern shore, 4 p.m., July 10

2009-07-11T13:31:00.000-07:00

A pretty young woman with brown hair in a two-tone, orange, strapless sundress, squatting, cell phone in ear: Adam I can't believe I am hearing this. Are you kidding me? Adam. Adam! You have a child, Adam. You don't want to take care of him, is that it? You don't have to do a thing. Your sister is going to bring him to Clifton Park. It's your child. This isn't about you anymore. I can't believe I am hearing this. I can't fucking believe I am hearing this. You're a piece of shit, Adam, and I'm done with you.

Graney's Bar and Grill, Albany, 2 a.m. Thursday

2009-07-09T19:12:00.000-07:00

"Allison," 20-something, to another 20-something female: Hi, I'm Allison!

Other woman: Hey. Hey! I'm drunk.

Allison: Wanna hug? Me too. Yeah.

Other woman: Let's hug with our boobies! (they embrace)

Driveway, last week

2009-07-08T08:34:00.000-07:00

Me, to my neighbor, Jose: Hey, make sure you keep your car door locked. Someone took my GPS last night.

Jose: Aw, really? I'm sorry to hear it.

Me: Thanks

....

Jose: I've got one of those but I don't use it. At first it was cute, hearing the voice telling you where to go, but then it got annoying. I only go to places where I know where I'm going! I don't use it anymore.

Me: I used mine a lot. I have a bad sense of direction.

Jose: Mine's a good one. Worth 300 bucks. It's a Mag-Ah-Lan?

Me: A what?

Jose: A MAG-uh-LAN.

Me: Oh. I hear those are pretty good.

Jose: What kind was yours?

Me: A Garmin.

...

Me: The cop said whoever took it probably takes those all the time, and sold it to a neighbor or a pawn shop.

Jose: A pawn shop, no kidding? Hey, that's where I got mine.

Overheard in newsroom:

2008-12-22T09:16:00.001-08:00

12:20 p.m.

Reporter 1: Looks like a fugitive just ate a bullet in Cohoes.
Reporter 2: Is he takin' a nap, they think?
Editor: Yeah. How do you end up in Cohoes?
Reporter 2: Seriously. Why din't he go to Lake Placid, someplace nice?
Editor: I guess it reminded him of Pennsylvania, another broken down town.

SUNY Albany, Earth Sciences and Mathematics building

2008-12-04T13:32:00.000-08:00

Undergrad woman, to undergrad man: You medicate yourself your way. I medicate myself my way. My way is called "alcoholism."

Hamburg, NY, my grandmother's house

2008-08-31T11:51:00.000-07:00

Uncle Mike, 54: I think the most disturbing thing of my life was when I was at my cousin Nicky's funeral a few years ago. We were standing at the reception afterwards and, you know it was a pretty somber affair. Nick was a young guy and everyone was pretty sad and low-key. And then I saw this ... thing ... out of the corner of my eye. And it was a clown. It was a woman dressed as a clown. And then I saw who it was. It was Linda's mother. It was ... I couldn't believe it. She said, "Whoa, I'm sorry I'm late. I got here as soon as I could. I was just at a children's party entertaining and I rushed right over." And I was ... what? I mean. I was so disturbed. I was, like, this is you daughter's husband, your son-in-law's memorial service. You think you could have canceled the children's party and maybe showed up at the memorial service not dressed as a clown. I mean, for three or four days after that, I was just -- shaken.

Lark Street, Hudson Avenue, 9 p.m. - ish

2008-08-25T18:56:00.000-07:00

It's an even year. It's and EVEN YEAR. They'll win. It's an even year and the Jets will win nine or ten...(guy, 30s, front stoop, to cell phone)

I am outside of the place and I'm going to wait for you but not for three hours ... I did so good in Long Island, I was doing so good. (Woman, early 20s, in front of Bombers Burrito Bar, to cell phone).

What is a dog doing in here? (Kid, male, in the Ben and Jerry's).

I was there with Shawna and Nina, who is like, five months pregnant. Naw. Nina's pregant? Again? Naw. Yeah.

Two guys, baseball hats, early 20s, on Hudson...

Turkish-owned pizzeria, 10:15 p.m.

2008-08-17T19:38:00.001-07:00

One employee is seated in the dining area of the pizza shop, watching the Olympics on a flat screen TV recessed into wall near the cash register. Women's gymnastics. Vaulting.

Employee #1: She is 33. She is incredible! The human body doing. Incredible! Did you see? Her son had leukemia.

Employee #2 (walking out into the dining area stretching a ball of dough between his hands): Is that the? Yeah. Did you know her son had the cancer?

Employee #3 (chewing something as he walks over): Did you see that her son had leukemia or something?

Hudson Ave., 10 p.m.

2008-08-17T19:36:00.000-07:00

Two women seated in a parked Chevy Celebrity with the windows rolled down. The woman in the driver seat is reclined and holding a cell phone a few inches away from her ear.

Passenger: Is that what it did?

Driver: Mmm-hmmm. That shit go straight to voicemail.

Hudson Ave., 10 p.m.

2008-08-17T19:27:00.000-07:00

Three women, all in their late teens/early 20s, walking abreast toward Empire State Plaza. Two of them are speaking.

Woman 1: I'm gonna move in.

Woman 2: You're gonna move in with me? What makes you think you're really gonna do that?

Woman 1: Well I got a job.

Crossing Albany Shaker Road, Tuesday, 1 p.m.

2008-08-13T07:05:00.000-07:00

Man, 60-ish, glasses, driving a sedan to me (I was in the crosswalk and had just pointed my closed umbrella at him in an effort to persuade him to not run me over):

Shoveitupyerass!

Lark Tavern, early evening

2008-08-12T19:02:00.000-07:00

Karen, bartender, to Chris, regular customer:

Karen: Well don't you look handsome tonight?

Chris: Really? Thanks. I don't feel so handsome.

Karen: It's your inner glow.

(Silence. Chris, standing, sips his beer.)

Karen: You may get free entertainment tonight.

Chris: Really?

Karen: Last two nights I've gotten yelled at by 40 year old women because I've cut them off and thrown them out. So maybe it will happen again tonight.

Chris: Really?

Karen: I'm sick of old drunk ladies calling me a fat bitch.

From reader: On the bus, somewhere in NYC

2008-08-12T15:55:00.000-07:00

Elderly man to wife:

You know why that Spitzer prostitute girl is always wearing sunglasses? Because she's actually pretty ugly.

(thanks, kelsey)

McAdoo, PA, Sautrday

2008-08-12T08:51:00.000-07:00

At the Pleasant Valley Restaurant. Dinner companion, 22, to me:

Cheese, ketchup, ranch, people. That is the hierarchy of how I love things.

More newsroom chatter, 11:00 a.m.

2008-08-12T08:01:00.001-07:00

Editor #1: Not to complicate your day, but work out the logistics so you can go see the cow birth.
Reporter: Yeah, that was on my list.

Newsroom chatter, Tuesday, 9:20 a.m.

2008-08-12T06:26:00.000-07:00

Editor #1: Yes, you heard that right. There is a 500-pound stabbing victim on the roof of the Indian Quad and, no, firefighters don’t know how to get him down. They gotta get some kind of harness up there.

Editor #2: You’re making that up.

Editor #1: No I am not.

I'm back

2008-08-12T06:25:00.001-07:00

I was away at a two-week intensive grad school writing program. Many excellent, quotable people there but a little too insular for random eavesdropping. I am back and I'm taking submissions.

Text message from my sister, Wednesday afternoon, unabridged

2008-07-30T10:48:00.001-07:00

Somebody farted loudly in my birthing class last night.

On hiatus

2008-07-29T10:38:00.000-07:00

Because I'm kind of at an eavesdropping convention. I don't want to be accused of upstaging anyone.

From Reader: Art Gallery, Buffalo, NY Wednesday July 23, 3:17 p.m.

2008-07-25T17:32:00.000-07:00

Sixty-ish woman to a couple of the same age, all are sitting on a bench: When that dog dies, we're getting a full shoulder-up bust made. Their heads are huge! Wiemereiners aren't that big though, so we wouldn't have one made of him. Just the mastiff.

(Thanks, Marty Cohen)

Stewart's, Queensbury, 11 a.m.

2008-07-25T16:37:00.000-07:00

Gravel-voiced mom, to cashier: Yeah, I'm cleaning his room while he's out of there. He's in Boston.
Cashier: For college?

Mom: No, he's just up there with Trev, partyin' like a rock star.
(I miss some conversation while I pour a large coffee)

Mom: He has to have the nose surgery. The same ones hockey players get. He's awful, mean, and ugly. Like his father.

(mom leaves)

Cashier, to me: The doctor told him he has the hands of a sixty year old man. Ever since eighth grade they were telling him that he was going to have arthritis, but that don't mean nothin to him, even though he's 18 now. That's from all the football and wrestling.

Me: Well, was he any good?

Cashier: Oh, yeah, he was in the paper all the time. That's $2.45, hon.

Mad Lark Laundry, Lark St.

2008-07-22T08:53:00.000-07:00

Recent fraternity alumnus (judging by his t-shirt), as he retrieved a pile of oxford shirts from a top load washer, whispering falsetto:

The jig is up, the news is out, they finally found me! The renegade who had it made, retrieved for a bounty! Never more to go astray! This'll be the end today/ Of the wanted man Na-na-NAH-na-na-na-na-na!

White Rock Mountain Ozarks, Arkansas

2008-07-20T10:43:00.000-07:00

Night falls , thunderstorm brewing

Jack White (Old guy, long white beard, Bob Dylan Cap and blue and white striped choo choo train overalls) :

You see, Bob Dylan wrote "Desolation Alley" when he was THIRTEEN YEARS OLD, can you imagine that kind of cynicism when you're THIRTEEN?
What you got there girlie?

Me: An Indian Love Flute.

Jack White: I made one of those for my wife when we married, bless her heart...

(Thanks, Sharon)

The dog kennel

2008-07-17T11:44:00.000-07:00

Kurt, the owner's son, to me: Oh yeah she shit out a sock.

Me: What?

Kurt: Yeah, a green sock. You want to watch that it could be dangerous, or they could have to go in and get it out and it will cost you $2,500 and besides she could get really hurt.

Me: Geez. I really thought I had put all the socks away.

Kurt: That's all you can do. I would have thought the younger dog would be the sock eater. Anyway, people ask me questions all the time of how to get your dog to stop eating shit like that. It's like they want this wise, Ceasar Milan answer. I just tell them, "Why don't you try keeping your socks or shoes or whatever on a high shelf?" Then they look at me like I'm the idiot.

Voice mail from oldest friend

2008-07-17T07:04:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to let you know in case you were wondering if all is right with the world. I’m driving from Grand Forks to Duluth right now to pick up my truck. I’m buying a truck. I’m driving 269 miles to buy a truck I’m paying $250 for. Then I’m using it to tow my Metro back, so not much has changed. I’m 34 years old and still doing this shit. OK, bye.

From reader: Broadway, Saratoga Springs

2008-07-15T11:28:00.000-07:00

Woman, 45ish, dressed for a day of Saratoga shopping, holding open the door and shouting at two girls in Borders, one about 8 and the other about 13. She's pointing at a man dressed as a hot dog on the sidewalk:

Girls, girls! Come on! Hurry up! There's a hot dog man out here! He's a hot dog! This guy's a hot dog! Come on or you'll miss it! Hurry! He's doing a little dance! The hot dog is!You gotta see it! C'mon c'mon!

Girl, 13, at seeing the hot dog man: Oh God.

Woman: Mr. Hot Dog Man, can we take our picture with you?

Mr. Hot Dog Man, from inside hot dog suit: Mm-hmmph.

(thanks, kate)

Newsroom chatter, Sunday evening

2008-07-13T15:06:00.000-07:00

(I took extensive notes on this so my confidence level is high in getting the exact quotes)

Me: (Name of Newspaper), can I help you?

Caller: Yeah, I was wondering if you were aware of something that I haven't seen a word on in news articles or in a google news search.

Me: Probably not. But go ahead.

Caller: Tomorrow night, a binary asteroid is going to pass us at a distance of about six times the distance between the earth and the moon. Do you know how close that is?

Me: I'm guessing that's pretty close, relatively speaking.

Caller: Exactly. Are you familiar with the Tunguska Blast?

Me: No.

Caller: It's the 100th anniversary of the Tunguska Blast. In Siberia.

Me (excited): Oh! I saw a filmstrip about that in third grade. It was a comet or an asteroid that hit Siberia and it was like a nuclear blast.

Caller: Yes. It was the size of 10 Hiroshima-sized bombs. It flattened 10 million acres. And that was just an asteroid of 100 meters in diameter. This is two asteroids, one is 600 meters in diameter and the other is 200 meters. It would wipe out half of life on earth and put us in an endless nuclear winter.

Me: Well that would be bad. Not sure I'm equipped to write a story about that at the moment.

Caller: Well I could write something.

Me: Are you sure this is happening tomorrow? Usually (the Associated Press) science desk has something on these near-misses.

Caller: Maybe you could just give them a heads-up. With a link to the Google search. I could write some news-ready thing for you. I could have it to you in an hour.

Me: OK, you do that. (I give him my email address). Maybe I can check to see if AP is writing about this.

Caller: You know if it did come too close, all it would need would be a little push to send it on its way.

Me: A little kiss and Newtonian physics saves us.

Caller: Yes! But if it's too close it's too late to do that.

Me: Right. All we would be able to do is watch that awful Bruce Willis movie, crack a beer and watch the skies.

Caller: I just watched that movie for the first time the other night.

Outside an apartment building, Jay Street, 9 p.m.

2008-07-12T18:48:00.001-07:00

Completely androgynous elderly person, smoker's voice, to me:

Those are beautiful dogs. Are they gentle?

Me: Thanks, yeah.

CAEP: And the weather. Isn't it nice?

Me: Sure is.

CAEP: Are you the guy from the other street?

Me: Well, I don't know if I'm who you're thinking of. I live around the corner.

CAEP: Yeah, yeah. Your dogs are beautiful. Are you a gentle boy?

Me: (I assume CAEP was addressing Roger) Yeah he sure is.

CAEP: My cat. The heat has been so bad on the cat I had to take him to the vet.

Me: Too hot?

CAEP: Well he had to get one of those, you know, (makes pointing and shoving gesture) enemas. Because he was so, so, so stopped up.

Me: Huh.

CAEP: How old is he?

Me: Roger is about 5.

CAEP: He's 35. You know, for every year it's seven years.

Me: I've heard that. They pack a lot of living in, I guess.

CAEP: And how old is the other one?

Me: Twelve or 13

CAEP: (tilts head, pauses) She's over 100.

At lunch, Delmar

2008-07-10T19:40:00.000-07:00

Friend, to me: She said, "One of these days you're going to get someone so angry" ... no, she said, "you're going to piss off the wrong person who is going to destroy you."

From reader: Art gallery, Buffalo, NY

2008-07-10T17:39:00.000-07:00

One middle-aged woman to another pointing down the hall:

"Did ya see that one with the bear and the goats, lookin' all evil? It's evil! Jesus."

Same woman, two minutes later:

"Did I tell you? Larry passed the GED! He finally passed the GED!"

(thanks Marty)

Dog Park, 7 a.m.

2008-07-09T13:18:00.000-07:00

Me: Maddy. Maddy. Maddy. Maddy come. Maddy. Maddy.

Dog owner, 40ish: She'll be all right.

Me: Just tell me I'm a nervous dog owner. I don't want to chase her out onto Madison Avenue. That would be bad.
Dog Owner: There are plenty of dogs and garbage to smell around here. She'll be fine.

Me: Thanks. Sit. Sit! Come on, sit.

Hamilton Street, Dove Street

2008-07-08T19:22:00.000-07:00

Old man in wheelchair, wearing a tweed cap, to the driver of a handicapped-accessible van and a woman who had pulled up a lawnchair next to the van: When you die, your soul...

Woman on stoop, mid-20s, on telephone: Yeah, I'm getting through. Thanks.

More Newsroom chatter, 20 minutes later

2008-07-08T07:05:00.000-07:00

Editor A: You know the best thing about that murder?

Editor B: What?

Editor A: Shotgun.

Editor B: Really , is that what he used?

Editor A: Shotgun at a party. Gives a bad name to shotguns.

Reporter: Did you notice the copy desk took out the word "blast?"

Editor A: Why?

Reporter: They said it was insenstive. You know, weekend ends with "a blast?"

Editor A: Why is that insenseitive?

Reporter: I guess if you read between the lines like a copy editor you might consider that insensitive.

Editor A: I read between the lines all the time and I don't mind that. I kind of like that.

(Another reporter, on phone: A political boondoggle? Hold on. The proposals... are... a political boondoggle... designed... to curry favor...yep, go on...)

Phones ring.

Newsroom chatter, Tuesday morning

2008-07-08T06:52:00.001-07:00

Editor: Hey, that was a good story.

Reporter: Thanks, man. It keeps on giving.

Editor: You know, one of these days this guy will retire and be out of your hair until he turns up somewhere else.

Editor, later, on phone: What do you think the odds are that he blew away the old lady, called the kid, said I can't believe what I did, then blew away him self? That's what the Binghamton papers are saying. A .357 magnum.

Friend, on phone

2008-07-07T17:07:00.000-07:00

more cat pictures

"I'm on the phone grandma. I'm getting some water, would you like something? (to me: Hold on) What are you doing? Kittens? Where? Oh. Oh! Ohhhh! Oh my God, I'm going to go look at the kittens. (To me: I guess there are kittens outside and I'm going to go out the door and loo....) Oh! Oh my God! They are kittens!! LOOKITTHEKITTENS! Oh my God, Dan, I'm going to have to call you back because there are kittens here. Lookit these fucking kittens!"

From reader: Starbucks on Wolf Road

2008-07-07T12:03:00.001-07:00

"He wanted a baby before New Year's Eve so he could have a tax writeoff."

(Thanks, Naomi)

Dress rehearsal, West Side Story, Washington Park outdoor stage

2008-07-06T21:43:00.001-07:00

Director: OK, go backstage and get into costume and come out and we will do this thing. Do not, repeat, do not turn this into social hour, folks. The time is...we are starting at eight o'clock, that is 22 minutes from now. OK?

Father, to child of about 6: Do you see that scrim? That's where the band is, behind there.

Child: I KNOW that.

New Scotland and Myrtle Ave., near Albany Medical Center

2008-07-06T13:48:00.000-07:00

Woman, young, wearing nursing scrub pants and a white t-shirt, on phone: Well this is the third year we've lived together. Really, after the second year, that's when I should have told her, "OK."

Outside the new bakery on Lark St., Saturday night

2008-07-06T09:21:00.001-07:00

Man, red hair parted in middle, thin, short, a frantic look, talking to six people gathered around the outside of the shop. He pointed and gestured while he spoke:

And even though I said that I didn't think she would ever trust me again.

Snippets overheard at fireworks, Downtown Albany

2008-07-04T19:26:00.000-07:00

...The WHOLE universe. This is just a known principle of NATURE. (heavy guy in blue t-shirt. Long, curly hair tied back in pony tail, scraggly beard and sideburns with large patches of skin showing through)

(banjo music)

(Police sirens)

Wooooooooooooooooooooooo! (an adult)

Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhh, booooooyyyyy! (a child)

Stop clapping STOP CLAPPING THEY ARE NOT OVER YET! (girl, about six)

You know, right now there are probably 30,000 fireworks displays going on simultaneously around the country. And every fireworks display needs, what, one to five people to run it? That's, like 100,000 peopole. Who are these people? What do they do the rest of the year? That's the same amount of people into stamp collecting. Or model trains. I think I've found a micro-niche. Where is their magazine? (husband of a friendly acquaintance)

Riding my bike home from Washington Park, distance: Half-mile

2008-07-04T10:08:00.000-07:00

Washington Park
Woman, blond/brown curly hair, to small dog with curly, blond-brown hair: Bailey! Hello, sweetheart! Helllloooo!

Madison and Lark
Fat man, Oakley wraparounds, yellow golf shirt, the bottom of which hung off him like a skirt, to goateed friend: Yeah, Steph did that to me once...

Hipster guy to girl he had his arm around her waist: Let's cross here. Yeah. Ha.

Madison and Dove
Man on porch: Thwit (hocks a glob of spit and phlegm onto the ripped-up sidewalk)

Hudson and Dove
Heartbreakingly beautiful girl, long brown curly hair, white sundress with brown paisley print, big brown oval sunglasses, getting into her car and speaking to an unseen passenger: I'm sorry about your car. Sorry.

Young girl, middle school? High school? To her two girlfriends: That was back before I even liked him. But he didn't like me talking to anyone. But then he dumped me. I did like him but I don't like him like that anymore.

Neighbor, leaning in her doorway, long, frizzy blond hair with brown roots, blue-and-white-striped bikini top and pair of shorts, to me: Hi.

Price Chopper, Madison and Delaware, 8 a.m.

2008-07-04T06:33:00.000-07:00

Woman, early 30s, do-rag on head, pretty, smooth face, burgundy knit shirt with the sleeves pushed up. She has a cart overflowing with groceries including a "Scribble Board," a small, plastic easel with a sketch of a squealing toddler on the box, the box is balancing on top of the cart, to the cashier, a girl named Isena:

It's supposed to be buy one, get one free. It's ringing up at $4.99.

Isena: I'm going to scan it again.

Woman: It's supposed to be buy one, get one. I don't know why it ring up like that.

Isena: (Says something in Spanish to the older cashier in the next line, whose name is Cookie).

Cookie: (Responds in Spanish. I recognize the word "trabajar")

Cookie: Marshall. Marshall!

There's a long pause, while we all wait for Marshall.
Woman: Either it rings up as buy one, get one, or it's going back on the shelf.

Two minutes pass in silence. Enter Marshall from stage left. Marshall, wearing a navy Price Chopper polo shirt, gets an update from Isena, and from the woman.

Woman: It's supposed to be buy one, get one.
Marshall enters a code into the cash register. He says something inaudible, but apparently the buy one, get one special is on another brand of frozen sausages, not the one the woman was attempting to purchase.

Woman: But these are the brots. I wanted the brots.

The Pinto and Hobbs, State Street, 8 p.m.

2008-07-03T18:03:00.000-07:00

Man with dog (I could only see the back of his head, he had dark hair and was wearing a gray t shirt ... puppy looked like it was going to grow up to be a 100 pound lab-ish mutt), to two women. All in their 20s, I could only hear voices:

I have never done anything like that. I've never been arrested, never chased by the police.

Woman #1: Well I didn't even tell you how it all started.

Man: You didn't but...

Woman: We were in high school.

Man: Hello? Wait, I have to take this (he leaves. Doesn't come back).

Lark Street, 8 p.m.

2008-07-02T17:46:00.001-07:00

Man, standing, 40s, graying black hair, blue-gray t-shirt with sleeves rolled up to shoulders, to a man and a woman seated at a cafe table:

I don't know. I don't know the answer. I don't know if there is an anwer. I've been here a long time and I never seen a cat like that.

At the office, continued today

2008-07-02T07:36:00.001-07:00

Coworker, mid-60s, on telephone:

Thank you for the photo but her legs are cut off. We need to get her legs in the picture. When you get here you can do your hair. No, no. No! Tell Naomi this thing is going in the newspaper. Be sure to tell...As far as I know this thing is running tomorrow. They're anxious to get it in. I know she is. Oh! She'll be back on Monday. I'll let her know. I wil. I'll call Marge. Good luck with Marybeth. It makes me sad. No! It makes me sad. Yes!

Lark Tavern

2008-07-01T22:24:00.000-07:00

Woman, late 20s, to me:

I was filling in on sax and he was sitting next to me and I felt like shit because he was great and I was awful. But it was fine and we started talking and getting along. And one time he said to me, "Stanley Turrentine is playing here." And I didn't know if he was just stating a fact or if he was asking me to go with him. He was asking me to go. But it was my grandmother's birthday that night and I told him that and he thought that I was just feeding him a line. But it really was my grandmother's birthday. So we went out another time and started hanging out and we have been together ever since. ... Our son's name is Maceo.

At the office, Tuesday

2008-07-01T17:04:00.001-07:00

Co-worker, mid-60s, to stripper, mid-70s, over the phone:

We're not interested in your voice, Josephine. We're interested in your body! Wear your hair the same way you had it done that night and come in and we will take your picture.

Someone's mother

2008-06-30T16:06:00.000-07:00

Her identity needs to remain under wraps for now. Woman, 32:

We went to the appointment to hear the heartbeats. I saw them and it was fine, I knew there were two. They implanted two embryos and I thought, wow, they both took. Toward the end of it I saw a dark spot and said, "What's that?"

And the nurse said, "Weeellll, it could be blood from the implantation, which is normal, but it could be a third fetus." I said, "What?" So as soon as she zoomed in I could see it was a third heartbeat. I said "Holy shit," and I started crying. I said, "That's a third heartbeat." The nurse said, "Well, I am going to go get some backup but, yeah, that's a third heartbeat."

So (husband) was totally cool. Cool as a cucumber. "We'll be alright," he said. "You'll be great, we'll be great."

Then I thought that I was going to have to buy a minivan and I cried even harder.

Uncle Paul, Buffalo, Sunday afternoon

2008-06-29T22:50:00.001-07:00

Uncle Paul, a slightly older, slightly less healthy-looking version of my father. Smoking a Whie Owl cigar. Smells like Old Spice and tobacco leaves. I associate both smells with him and being a kid and hanging out with his sons, my cousins. I was on Dad's deck this afternoon listening to Uncle Paul talk about what's left of his neighborhood, the Old First Ward in Buffalo. He's talking about Jake, one of three guys who live in a shack on Kentucky Street who spent most of their lives in prison. Jake was convicted of murder and served 31 years:

So I've got the dog and I'm coming down the street and here comes Jake. He's stoppin' every five feet to hold onto a fence. He don't look good. I said, "Jake! Pal, what's goin' on? You need a doctor or a hosptial or something. He says, "Paulie, I can't go to the hospital I can't afford it. I just got that "agina." (laughs). "I'm not messed up. I swear I'm not messed up. I only had two beers today and I walked downtown a lot."

It was a hot, hot August day. He was sweatin' like crazy. So I says, hold on Jake. Let me put the dog away and I'll get you home. So I real quick got the dog home and I bring my car back and get him in the front of the car with the a/c on, and he said "Aw, that feels good. Do you have any of those pills?" So I say "Yeah, Jake," so I give him a nitro pill and he takes it. I tell him you got to get to a hospital, pal, or you're gonna be in a pine box! And he says, "Naw, I'll be OK. You got another one of those pills?" So I give him a nitro pill and I brought him a glass of water too.

So I drove him home and there's these kids standing in front of his place and you have to go up four or five stairs to get him inside, these kids are 17, 18, and I said, "Wait a minute Jake." And I get out of my car and I tell these kids, "You gotta help this guy in his house because I can't lift him. He's having a heart attack right now. I'm trying to get him to go to the hospital but he won't listen to me. Maybe he'll listen to one of you." So the kids help him out of the car and Jake says, "Paulie, you got another one of those pills?" I says, "Yeah, Jake, but if the first two don't work, the third one isn't gonna do you any good. You gotta see a doctor." He says, "I'll be all right, I just got "agina." So I go home.

The next day, I'm sitting on my porch and who comes walkin' down the street, his shirt flung over his shoulder, whistling, whistling! It's Jake! "(Whistles)" I said, "Jake! I thought you'd be in a box by now!" He said, "Paulie, I took your advice and I saw a doctor." "Good," I said.

"And they put this thing under my tongue and they kept me for a few hours and I felt great! They wanted to keep me longer but I said, "Nahh." Paulie, you saved my life," he said. "And I want to thank you." And he hugged me. And he basically told me if I needed anything, ANYTHING, to call him.

Me: So he offered to do a hit for you or something?

Uncle Paul: That's what I was wondering if he meant! He said if anyone ever bothers you, or your wife, or your family, I wanna know about it.

New York State Thruway, Friday night

2008-06-28T19:18:00.001-07:00

Tall, thin man in a white t-shirt filled from collar to waist with a quote from Marcus Garvey, something about remembering your history, to a McDonald's clerk, chubby, nervous, apparently 16 years old and apparently in charge for the evening:

What can I get for 90 cents?

Clerk: I can get you a small drink. I can get you a large drink, really, even.

Customer: Can I get four McNuggets?

Clerk: I can't do that. That would mess up my drawer. We don't sell just four McNuggets here anyway.

Customer: You're sure I can't get four McNuggets? How about a Snack Wrap?

Clerk: No, because my drawer...maybe I can get the drawer open. What if I just give you the 90 cents back if I can get in the drawer.

Customer: Alright. I see you're a man of integrity.

Clerk: No problem sir and you have a lovely day!

Customer: You're sure I can't get four McNuggets?

Clerk: Look I got the drawer opened. I can just give you back the money I shorted you instead.

Customer: OK. Thank you.

Clerk, to me: Crispy chicken club?

Me: Hi

Clerk: OK sir I am so sorry for the wait and you have a lovely day!

24-hour Market, Lark St., 10:30 p.m.

2008-06-26T20:49:00.000-07:00

Me: Whistling to the Bee Gee's "How Deep is Your Love?" on the in-store radio.

Clerk (tall, thin, blond guy in tight black jeans and one of those army surplus-looking caps): You do NOT look old enough to know the Bee Gees.

Me: I'm afraid I am.

Clerk: Yeah, and I'm a virgin.

Dove Street near Elm

2008-06-26T20:38:00.000-07:00

Man in his 60s, walking a dog that I think might have been a beagle, to me:

He'll cut in front of you if you give him half a chance.

(I did give him a chance because I wanted to pet him but he did not cut in front of me and I did not pet him.)

Thursday night, Hudson Avenue

2008-06-26T19:03:00.000-07:00

Guy who I thought was a woman until I was six feet away from him (green knit shirt with three buttons but no collar. Had small boobs. Round, silver, metal-framed glasses) to his companion, a taller, older, more muscular man with a completely shaved head and a sagging neck, wearing a t-shirt that seemed like he got it for running in a race:

No, she was actually taking anti-psychotics at this point and she was more normal than Mark.

Shaved head guy (nodding): Oh, right.