Hamburg, NY, my grandmother's house

Uncle Mike, 54: I think the most disturbing thing of my life was when I was at my cousin Nicky's funeral a few years ago. We were standing at the reception afterwards and, you know it was a pretty somber affair. Nick was a young guy and everyone was pretty sad and low-key. And then I saw this ... thing ... out of the corner of my eye. And it was a clown. It was a woman dressed as a clown. And then I saw who it was. It was Linda's mother. It was ... I couldn't believe it. She said, "Whoa, I'm sorry I'm late. I got here as soon as I could. I was just at a children's party entertaining and I rushed right over." And I was ... what? I mean. I was so disturbed. I was, like, this is you daughter's husband, your son-in-law's memorial service. You think you could have canceled the children's party and maybe showed up at the memorial service not dressed as a clown. I mean, for three or four days after that, I was just -- shaken.

Lark Street, Hudson Avenue, 9 p.m. - ish

It's an even year. It's and EVEN YEAR. They'll win. It's an even year and the Jets will win nine or ten...(guy, 30s, front stoop, to cell phone)

I am outside of the place and I'm going to wait for you but not for three hours ... I did so good in Long Island, I was doing so good. (Woman, early 20s, in front of Bombers Burrito Bar, to cell phone).

What is a dog doing in here? (Kid, male, in the Ben and Jerry's).

I was there with Shawna and Nina, who is like, five months pregnant. Naw. Nina's pregant? Again? Naw. Yeah.

Two guys, baseball hats, early 20s, on Hudson...

Turkish-owned pizzeria, 10:15 p.m.

One employee is seated in the dining area of the pizza shop, watching the Olympics on a flat screen TV recessed into wall near the cash register. Women's gymnastics. Vaulting.


Employee #1: She is 33. She is incredible! The human body doing. Incredible! Did you see? Her son had leukemia.

Employee #2 (walking out into the dining area stretching a ball of dough between his hands): Is that the? Yeah. Did you know her son had the cancer?

Employee #3 (chewing something as he walks over): Did you see that her son had leukemia or something?

Hudson Ave., 10 p.m.

Two women seated in a parked Chevy Celebrity with the windows rolled down. The woman in the driver seat is reclined and holding a cell phone a few inches away from her ear.

Passenger: Is that what it did?

Driver: Mmm-hmmm. That shit go straight to voicemail.

Hudson Ave., 10 p.m.

Three women, all in their late teens/early 20s, walking abreast toward Empire State Plaza. Two of them are speaking.

Woman 1: I'm gonna move in.

Woman 2: You're gonna move in with me? What makes you think you're really gonna do that?

Woman 1: Well I got a job.

Crossing Albany Shaker Road, Tuesday, 1 p.m.

Man, 60-ish, glasses, driving a sedan to me (I was in the crosswalk and had just pointed my closed umbrella at him in an effort to persuade him to not run me over):


Shoveitupyerass!

Lark Tavern, early evening

Karen, bartender, to Chris, regular customer:

Karen: Well don't you look handsome tonight?

Chris: Really? Thanks. I don't feel so handsome.

Karen: It's your inner glow.

(Silence. Chris, standing, sips his beer.)

Karen: You may get free entertainment tonight.

Chris: Really?

Karen: Last two nights I've gotten yelled at by 40 year old women because I've cut them off and thrown them out. So maybe it will happen again tonight.

Chris: Really?

Karen: I'm sick of old drunk ladies calling me a fat bitch.

From reader: On the bus, somewhere in NYC

Elderly man to wife:

You know why that Spitzer prostitute girl is always wearing sunglasses? Because she's actually pretty ugly.



(thanks, kelsey)

McAdoo, PA, Sautrday

At the Pleasant Valley Restaurant. Dinner companion, 22, to me:

Cheese, ketchup, ranch, people. That is the hierarchy of how I love things.

More newsroom chatter, 11:00 a.m.

Editor #1: Not to complicate your day, but work out the logistics so you can go see the cow birth.
Reporter: Yeah, that was on my list.

Newsroom chatter, Tuesday, 9:20 a.m.

Editor #1: Yes, you heard that right. There is a 500-pound stabbing victim on the roof of the Indian Quad and, no, firefighters don’t know how to get him down. They gotta get some kind of harness up there.

Editor #2: You’re making that up.

Editor #1: No I am not.

I'm back

I was away at a two-week intensive grad school writing program. Many excellent, quotable people there but a little too insular for random eavesdropping. I am back and I'm taking submissions.